Site Disclaimer
Please keep in mind that I am NOT a therapist. This site is in no way meant to be a substitute for the specialized guidance and knowledge available from a professional mental health worker. While I have done my best to provide accurate information, this site does contain opinions and personal experiences as well. I cannot be held responsible for the use of or reaction to any material contained in this site. There may be some sections that are disturbing for certain visitors. I urge you to proceed with caution.
On all pages of this site you will notice that I "leave out" things that some people may want to know about. This is because I feel I can only comment on things that have touched my life in a real way. I am fully aware that there are many more mental health issues than what I've chosen to cover here. If you follow the links provided, one or more of them will likely provide you with the info you are seeking.
This site is not fun or nice to look at. It's not supposed to be. I love those pretty (albeit often slow-loading) graphic sites just as much as anyone else but that's not why I'm here. I want to focus on content, not get distracted by appearance. If it's not aesthetically pleasing, I'm sorry. But since that's not going to change much, either learn to deal with it or find another site that's more attractive.
The Thing About Fire
I have been asked if I have an obsession with fire. The simple answer: no. I had a
bad experience with fire at a very young age and grew up having nightmares every single night
about my house catching on fire. So I guess my fear is more about burning than fire itself, which
is why it's totally ironic that when I was a self injurer my weapon against myself was fire. Or,
if you know anything about psychology, that probably makes perfect sense to you. Anyway, I am not
a pyromaniac. While I do have a fascination with it, I am deathly afraid of fire. Candles, lighters,
matches, that's about as far as I go. The point is, this site is about my walk through life so
far, through all my fears and struggles. So I could not possibly think of a better symbol for all
of that than fire. Besides, I thought the graphics looked pretty cool.
Triggers
First of all, I don't get the power that has been attached to this word. It seems
that in the psychological community the word trigger is this intense, evil thing that should be
avoided at all costs. Come on, it's just a word! And I am annoyed with the word simply because
of all the emphasis that people have put on escaping the actions attached to it. Second, I think
the whole concept is just silly. Everything on the planet is triggered by something. In this context
it means "to set off or initiate". Well, doesn't that happen constantly? Right now I am
likely triggering anger in someone who is reading this and disagreeing. There is no possible way to
duck all triggers. I understand the idea is to identify the things that may set you off but what
about all of the things that you've never thought of that might have the same effect? If you were to
truly attempt to stay away from all the things that may trigger you, your life would be consumed with
questions: "Am I really going to be ok if I go there?" "Will I relapse if I do that?"
"Can I stay safe doing this?" Doesn't it just make more sense to have effective coping
skills and get rid of the stigma attached to this word?
I refuse to feed into this ridiculous belief that triggers are poisonous. If anything, they are learning experiences. On this site, you will not find trigger warnings. I expect that the people who visit here can be responsible enough to know whether or not they can handle dealing with a certain topic. We all need to learn to take care of ourselves and I don't believe that I would be doing you any good sheltering you from potentially uncomfortable situations. Just my theory. If you disagree, there are plenty of sites that are more suited for you.
Labeling
I have a big issue with labeling. I dislike it all the time, no matter what the
discussion is about. I don't think that people should separate themselves by attaching classifications
that linger overhead all the time. We are all people with different experiences. It's hard enough
to get around the obvious characteristics that can break us up into groups. We don't need to add
any more complications. I know that dealing with psychological issues requires it to some extent
so I tolerate it but it always angers me. I don't like when people identify themselves by their
diagnosis any more than I do when they identify themselves by their social status or possessions.
That does not encompass all of who we are. And if it does, you may need to seriously reassess your
life.
Making Judgments
You cannot know what goes on in my mind any more than I can know what you think
about. You can't possibly understand why I am the way I am or why I do the things I do. Even if you
think you can, you're wrong. Nobody has that much power or understanding. Even if you and I have
lived similar lives all they are is similar. Not the same. And keep in mind that everyone reacts
differently to everything that happens. Please don't make judgments based on what you think I should be
doing or saying. Don't tell me that my perspective is wrong or bad. I would never presume to know you or
understand you completely, no matter how close we were. And I would never be so arrogant to impose my
beliefs on you and tell you they are better. What keeps this world going is the fact that we all see
things differently. There is no actual better or worse. There are just different perspectives.
Comparing Traumas
It seems weird to even have to get into this but it's something that offends me. No
matter what has happened to any one person there is likely someone else out there who has had it
worse and someone who has had it better. All three of these theoretical people should be treated
with the same compassion, respect, and understanding. It's really a simple concept but it never
ceases to amaze me how many people try to "one up" each other using horrible experiences
as the comparable factor. To me it's juvenile and makes everyone who has had similar experiences
feel like what they went through was so trivial.
Anti-Recovery Sites
Also known as things like "Pro-Ana" or "Pro-Mia" or "Pro-SI".
Here's the thing: Contrary to your belief, the "discipline" you believe you are exhibiting
is really just old fashioned d-e-n-i-a-l. There is nothing new or creative about it. You're not in
control - the addiction is. But, live in your fantasy. You have every right to do what you want with your
own body and there is absolutely nothing I can say to stop you.
It becomes a problem for me when you prey on innocent people and take away their control by only educating them about your way. It is NOT true that people only come to your site if they're looking for support to keep starving or purging or cutting or burning. Maybe they were looking for a recovery site and stumbled upon your community instead, completely by accident. And you suck them in with your promises of perfection (which by the way, doesn't exist). Get over yourself. You don't have the answers. If you did, you wouldn't be so miserable and searching for respect from people just as lost as you.
If things in your life are so bad that you want to jump off the proverbial bridge, go for it. I'm very sorry that you are so hopeless and feel so out of control. But don't be so selfish that you must try to drag other people down with you. You may be able to stand on the ledge and look down for years and years, never swaying, while you share dangerous secrets and tricks with thousands of people like you who are not so lucky - the ones who go diving right past you into the abysmal water.
Twelve Step Programs
In all fairness, I can't really say anything bad about 12 step stuff because it
is proven that it does work. Not just for a few people but for millions and millions of people.
It's a fantastic program for those who can surrender themselves to a higher power. Personally, I
can't, for several reasons that don't really matter. My criticism here is really more about the
arrogance of the members than the actual program itself. It is NOT TRUE that
the 12 steps are the only way to deal with your addictive behaviors! It is not the only
thing that works. I have been in recovery (from several addictions) for almost
5 years without ever
going to a meeting, without following the steps (though I do know everything about them all).
Some people can do it without the program. No disrespect intended, but deal with that!
Advice Giving
I promise you, that is not what this site is about. You may not believe this, but I
don't think I really have any clue what I'm talking about here. All I can do is tell you what I've
seen and what I've experienced. If you think that's advice then you obviously have never come in
contact with the kind of people I have! The ones who always know how to fix everything for you. The
ones who have an answer for whatever question you throw at them. The ones who can never admit when
they are wrong. To tell you the truth, I have been known to give my share of advice over the years,
but only to people I know very well, only about things I've personally experienced, and only when I
was asked for it. And I'm the first one to admit when I am wrong. So don't take things that other
people say too seriously. Unless it's a person who has made it their career to help people with
similar problems, chances are they're just as clueless as you feel. Besides, even people with the
best intentions don't necessarily know what's right for you. Work on figuring that out for
yourself. And that's about the extent of my advice giving.
Affirmations
I absolutely hate them. BUT, I do believe they work. It
just makes sense if you take the time to think about it. Your negative messages were planted over
years and years of hearing or thinking bad stuff about yourself. So the way to combat that is to
keep telling yourself the total opposite until you begin to believe it. I've never stuck with it
long enough to find out if it actually works but the theory would lead me to believe it probably
would. Personally, I don't see myself sitting in front of a mirror repeating positive statements that
aren't true yet over and over again. The only time I use that kind of stuff is when I get myself in
a bad situation and need a little strength to get out of it. Then again, maybe if I did them on a
regular basis, I wouldn't be in those situations.....? Who knows. Point is, I don't like 'em. If you
do, good for you.
The Inner Child
Ok, so you're born, you're a child. You get older, you're an adolescent
and then after that, spend the rest of your years as an adult. But how exactly do these facts
relate to this concept of the inner child? I think it's really a symbol to make things easier for
therapists. We're supposed to nurture our inner child, play with our inner child, love our inner
child. Really though, the child you were is long gone. I have a very vivid imagination and I don't
see her. I don't feel anything inside. Do you?
The concept works particularly well with anyone who was abused in childhood. Often there is a part of them that is emotionally stunted and at times very much like a child. In addition they may have feelings of worthlessness that make it difficult to see enough value in themselves to do these things without thinking of the person receiving the care as someone else. And who better than a child? After all, that's when they were hurt so wouldn't they have a special sensitivity toward kids? No doubt it makes it easier on them.
I will admit that most people would be more inclined to take care of a childlike version of themselves than the adult version that they're most likely already neglecting. If the therapist told you, as an adult, that you should take some time out to watch cartoons or go to a playground and play on the swings you'd most likely say ok, think that they're crazy and then forget about it. But if they tell you it's part of "inner child healing" you'd not only consider it, but you may actually do it. And there's nothing wrong with that really.
My grievance is not with the theory itself. It's with the way it's presented. I guess maybe I'm too cynical or something but I would rather be told that I need to do these things to take care of ME. I'm very good at doing things for other people. But taking care of me is not so easy. I've personally experienced extreme guilt in situations where I was left responsible for my "inner child" and ended up letting it get hurt because I didn't work with the theory. But it wasn't the imaginary thing that got hurt really. It was ME. It just all feels very manipulative. There's nothing wrong with an adult sitting down with a coloring book as an adult and enjoying it. Or splashing in puddles just for fun. To me, saying it's to connect with my inner child almost completely erases the idea that I'm involved at all. And isn't MY therapy supposed to be about ME?
Attitude
I do agree that attitude has something to do with how your life goes. However, I
don't believe that you can erase everything that's bad just by pretending everything is good.
I get the whole idea of "fake it 'til you make it" (because my therapist continues to drill it
into my head every chance she gets). I just can't do it. Believe me, I've
tried! It would be so nice to wake up miserable and put on that fake happy face and make it a
sunshiny day. The way I see it, that's kind of how the majority of the world lives. I'm not into
it. I don't necessarily have a problem with fooling other people - I've been known to do it a lot,
actually. My issue is with fooling myself. I'm way too logical and analytical to let that go on for
too long. Then again, maybe it's just my bad attitude that's getting in the way.
Journaling
I've had issues with journaling over the years. When I was given those pretty little
books to write in, I would do it for a few days, then maybe a few times a week and then it
would just sort of taper off. That really doesn't make much sense considering how much I like to
write but it's just the way it was. From time to time, I'd dig out the old thing, read it over and
then start adding to it again.
Then, along came the internet. Ahh, what a great relief! So many options for the "outlet" that other people were feeling from their pages and pages of handwritten secrets. I could never really focus my writing on myself, though it was usually about very personal things. I saved my truly introspective moments for therapy and analyzed the more generic curiosities online, in the communities I belonged to and the emails to friends. Through some encouragement from the people visiting this site, I decided to try an online journal and for me, it's perfect. My fingers move much faster than my pen and I enjoy the emails I get from people regarding the topics. However, a lot of people love to have something tangible and that pen and paper do them a lot of good. If you're one of them, more power to ya!
Medication
Anyone who knows me knows that I have big issues with medication. I will say that I
believe that it is necessary for certain things. I would not want my father (who has had 2 heart
attacks and a stroke) to stop taking his blood thinners because his arteries could clog right up
and cause another episode. However, it seems to me that just about everyone who believes in that
kind of medical care is on some kind of medication. My particular grievance is with the alliance
that I perceive between the drug manufacturers and the psychiatric community. It can't be possible
that every single person I know just happens to be suffering from some level of mental illness. A
certain percentage maybe, but surely not ALL of them. Yet we're all on
anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, all in different dosages and different
combinations.
I have always been told that the reason to take these medications is to make up for a brain chemical that is lacking. There is, of course, no way of scientifically testing people to find out which chemical it is, if any. So with the tons and tons of prescription meds available how do the psychiatrists possibly know which one to give someone? They don't. They experiment with as many as they have to until the patient reports that things are better. But is it the medication that made them better or the patient's belief that it was going to? I have been on a variety of meds over the last 10 years or so and I still continue to have the same problems I had when I started them. I'm told that I'm a very difficult patient to treat. Is it possible that I just don't assume that a pill is going to magically make me better?
But when I talk about things like this I am told that it's my attitude and lack of belief in the treatment that keep the meds from working. If that's the case then why did this whole thing start from a claim that I have a chemical imbalance? Isn't that like a natural deficiency in my brain? What they seem to be describing to me sounds like a situation of mind over matter. So the fact that I'm skeptical is what keeps me from having any sort of relief, according to them. It irritates me to no end to know that we are all just being experimented on. Not with malevolent intent, mind you, but still..... None of us really know what these meds do to our bodies over a long period of time. The people taking them now will be the first generation of research that help them identify the strengths and weaknesses of their theories. Scary.
And I still take mine. Paying several hundred dollars a month, popping (on average) 6 pills a day. Personally I don't think I'm any better now than I was before my first dose. Still, they have managed to scare me enough to keep up with the regimen. I mean, as they say..."who knows what would happen if you stopped taking those pills?"
