Why "Flame-Free"?

Some people don't get this and others think it's very obvious. To be fair to both sides, here's my short explanation:

Out of respect for all people who self injure I have removed the flames from this page only. It's not an attempt to hide people from triggers. It's a way of saying that I understand the struggle and support everyone trying to resist the urges.

Honestly even I'll admit I think it's kind of weird that I've made this page "flame-free". Obviously if you got here, it's likely that you came through another page which has fire stuff all over it. So, if you were going to be bothered by it, it would already be too late.

Here's the thing....I've been around a lot of people who self injure. The most commonly talked about form is cutting. It's what you hear them refer to on television talk shows when they about self injury. But it's far from the only way that people go about hurting themselves. And while burning is another form, it is also not the end of the list but IS the most likely one to be triggered by my site. End of story.

An Explanation

Destruction is basically defined as an act of ruining, defeating, demolishing, or rendering ineffective. That's not technically from a dictionary but it's pretty close. It would then seem logical that the concept of self destruction be that same act, but self induced. It happens in many forms and for numerous reasons. It can be as simple as not returning an important phone call or as complex as the thoughts that lead to suicide. It is a sequence of events, sometimes even subconsciously performed, but all with the same goal - to destroy some part or maybe all of your life.

Self destruction tends to be a covert process. Whatever form it takes, it must remain a secret in order to be a "success". If other people are let in on the plan to sabotage your life, they will generally interfere whenever possible. As a rule, most people will not stand idly by and watch while someone ruins their own life. The level of opposition increases in accordance to the relationship with the person. A casual acquaintance would probably not get as involved as a parent or spouse. But, whether they can actually change it or not, they will try. With that kind of meddling it becomes harder and harder to accomplish the goal of total annihilation.

Quite honestly, in a lot of cases, self destruction, self injury and suicide have very little to do with each other in a technical sense. The only clear-cut similarity is the desire for self-inflicted harm. A self destructive person may stay that way for a very long time without ever becoming consciously aware of what they are accomplishing. But, almost all of the people who self injure or become suicidal know what they're doing or end up figuring it out along the way.

A large number of self injurers and the majority of those with self destructive tendencies really have no intention of killing themselves. They actually use the action more as a way to cope or avoid dealing with their life. It's not always the stepping stone to suicide that many people perceive it to be. In addition, suicidal people don't necessarily exhibit obvious self destructive behaviors before they attempt to kill themselves. Of course, sometimes the feelings of hopelessness and despair that may lead to self destruction can elevate to the level of suicidal ideation or attempts. However, it's a fallacy to believe that those things are irrevocably linked.

So, you may be wondering why I put these things on the same page (and if you're not, you're going to find out anyway). The answer, simply put, is this: the way I see it, the situations may have many differences psychologically and physically but when it comes down to it, self injury is an advanced level of self destruction and suicide is really just the most extreme form that exists.

Almost everyone has been guilty of self sabotage at some point or another. Maybe it was in fifth grade when you played sick to miss the big dance and the pressure of possibly having to dance with your crush. It could've been in high school when you missed the most important test of the year, knowing that it would effect your chances of getting into the college your dad was pushing for. Or possibly it was just last month when you missed the interview for your dream job to spend a week in the mountains. The decisions made may not have even been to consciously avoid the situations, but they seem to have one thing in common - fear.

I know a lot about self sabotage. In fact, I think I should get an honorary Ph.D. for my life experience in the field. I have made one destructive decision after another for years. It's not something I'm particularly proud of but it does give me a certain level of understanding that can't be gained from reading about it. In observing my self defeating behaviors as well as those of the people around me, I've realized something. As I stated above, self sabotage is largely associated with fear. The fear most people associate with it is the fear of failure. They're right....most of the time. There are other factors though and in many cases, it's actually driven by a fear of success.

In every thing we attempt there are two possible outcomes - success or failure. Pretty obvious, right? Most people understand the concept of failure and have experienced it at some point. There's nothing fun about it. It's uncomfortable and discouraging and sometimes even embarrassing. That's where the fear comes from. Success, however, is not so easily measured and is usually much harder to attain. When you do get there it feels great....the first few times. It seems that either way you go, if you go there often enough, you earn a label. People begin to recognize you as a person who excels or one who just scrapes by.

I think of it as a town, split in half and separated by a fence. The fence is the middle ground. You're allowed to visit either side for short periods of time but the one you spend the most time in is where you make your home. If your roots are on the failure side of town, it's pretty much expected that you will stay there. So you just make yourself as comfortable as possible and accept the idea that you belong there. Even if you know there's something that can get you to the other side, you don't do it. Another failure will just prove to everyone that they were right about you. You stop trying and become content with mediocrity.

On the other side of the fence are the successes. Their side of town is cleaner and busier, with all kinds of things going on all the time. The citizens there have many accomplishments and even more goals. But the pressure behind them has built up so high they can't even see that fence anymore. As far as they're concerned there is no such thing as failure. Everything must be perfect all the time. They feel as though visiting the failures for even a second will ruin their lives. So they work themselves into heart attacks and psychological breakdowns, and all sorts of other problems, never really stopping to enjoy any of their success.

Then there are the people like me. We're the ones who have seen what's on both sides of the fence, feeling the stress associated with each. We're the "fence sitters". We are afraid to get stuck in one side of town or the other so we just hang out on the fence, rarely taking a chance. Every once in a while something will come along that seems worthy of the risk and we'll go for it. But whichever side of town we end up on, everyone expects us to become a resident and the pressure that comes with that is just too much to bear. So we bounce from side to side but never lay down roots and never make a real commitment. Eventually we find that our lives have somehow just passed us by.

Of course, the healthiest of us dive right in and go at whatever they want, accepting each failure or success as a learning experience and moving on to the next. I think of them as the "gypsies", moving from one side to other with little to no hesitation. This group is able to push through their fears and try things anyway. Sometimes they make it and sometimes they don't. No matter what happens they continue to move on with their life. And in the end they are the group who can honestly say that they have no regrets. True regret is a type of mourning and it does not come from success or failure. It comes from never trying at all.

Self Sabotaging Attitudes
A few characteristics of some things that help to keep people "stuck".

                                                             Fear...
                                                                  Need to be in control.
                                                                  Waiting for things to figure themselves out.
                                                                  Refusing to acknowledge the truth about yourself or situations you're in.
                                                                  Fear of rejection.
                                                                  Fear of committing.
                                                                  Fear of success or fear of failure.
                                                                  Fear of experiencing your emotions.
                                                                  Putting off living your life.

                                                             Uniqueness...
                                                                  Feeling as though no one else is like you.
                                                                  Having a Superiority or Inferiority Complex.
                                                                  Making excuses for your lack of success.
                                                                  Comparing yourself to other people.
                                                                  Thinking with "but" ("Yes, but I...")

                                                             Needing Validation...
                                                                  Wanting everyone to like you
                                                                  Being afraid to offer an opinion.
                                                                  Inability to say "no" to people.
                                                                  A fear of hurting others.
                                                                  Believing your feelings and thoughts shouldn't be expressed.
                                                                  Needing approval before making a decision.

                                                             Feeling Unworthy...
                                                                  Feeling "not good enough" or not important.
                                                                  Seeing yourself as low priority.
                                                                  Giving up quickly.
                                                                  Being uncomfortable with success.
                                                                  Giving yourself a label.
                                                                  Being defensive.
                                                                  Having excuses for why you can't change.
                                                                  Not wanting to bother or "burden" others.
                                                                  Feeling insecure.

                                                             Concentrating on the Negative...
                                                                  Worrying all the time.
                                                                  Lack of faith.
                                                                  Suspicious of everyone.
                                                                  Little or no motivation.
                                                                  Wondering what will happen when things don't work out.

                                                             Being Impatient...
                                                                  Feeling rushed.
                                                                  Being impulsive.
                                                                  Not doing things because it will take too long.
                                                                  Wanting fast results.

                                                             Perfectionism...
                                                                  Predicting how things will turn out.
                                                                  Needing to have all the answers before moving on.
                                                                  Hiding your problems from others.
                                                                  Having unrealistic expectations of yourself.
                                                                  Finding fault in everything.
                                                                  Needing everything to be perfect all the time.
                                                                  Feeling inadequate.
                                                                  Being judgmental of others.